i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
