In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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