Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
