i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My ass is underappreciated
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
