I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
