My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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