You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Holy shit dude........stairs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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