we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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