Swine flu is the new snow day.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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