I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
