I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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