The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
