Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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