everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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