6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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