I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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