I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
