just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
