My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
