I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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