I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
false alarm, still single
Randomize
