i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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