Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm at about main and main street
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
