It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
