My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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