I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
