Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
