how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
