He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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