how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
