There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
