i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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