dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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