i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
