I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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