I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
