when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
