you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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