I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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