omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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