God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
