When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
