Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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