Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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