everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
