Moan for me like Helen Keller
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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