Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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