I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So much Jack, so little girl.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
