1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
