I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
